Please leave a comment on the film

Thankyou Tom, Mark, Alistair, your director, and all who made this film possible. Besides being beautifully made, it also helped me learn a lot about my own situation.  Here are just a few bullets. I’d be happy to expand, in case it may help others understand how it is that their experience has continued to haunt them, as my past continues to haunt me today:
- my parents gave me away at 9 months. They took me back aged two
- I was sexually molested by nannies at age 7 and 11, and by my latin master , age 10.
- all my life I have dismissed all three events as inconsequential,
- I became sullen and resentful, developed allergies, an eating disorder and according to my report card, an attitude problem.
- I developed two completely different personae in life:
1. A manipulative victim-self (that suddenly surfaced out of the blue at age 40) that was a basket-case of suicidal self-loathing (I eventually made the attempt… at age 54), and
2: An apparently together, creative, sociable, entrepreneurial, but also, I now see, a lacking in boundaries, potentially abuser-self.
- in attempting, through your film, to understand my own abusers I have come to recognise that probably they too had developed abuser-selves as the only way they themselves had found of coping with the their own probable victimization as children. While that doesn’t exonerate them, it at least helps me see them as sick rather than bad people (as one of your correspondents has noted).
- but my life since those apparently inocuous childhood experiences (how many, including myself, reading this, would say “just put it behind you and get on with your life” - which is exactly what I did...) has been that of an out-of-control roller-coaster…
- childhood sexual abuse, I have come to see, touches the roots of our very identity as human beings, it cuts us off from the possibility of any healthy sense of the divine, or normal healthy relationships… it robs us of life itself long before some of us actually take our own lives…
- to give others a sense of the extent of this destruction, I have recently come to understand why even my own marriage bed has been so traumatic - and through no fault at all of my wife’s.
- since the age of 40 (I am now 65) I have suffered break-down after breakdown. Your film has helped me finally break through my own massive walls of denial and connect the dots as to what happened and how it has affected me.
- I now know there IS hope for people who, like us, have survived such a nightmare (I am talking mostly of the inner nightmare that has dogged me ever since). In my case, even though a part of me says at 65 it is too late, I am convinced there must be an Endre that is NEITHER the victim-self, NOR the potentially abuser-self, but simply an ordinary, honest human being. How will I learn this?  Having faced the two egos that have ruled my life until now, I feel that I am at last in the process of unmasking them for what they are.... both liars. I also know that this work will probably never be complete, at least not in this life time… But at least I will have made a start… at last.... on living differently.

Posted on 2011 03 07 at 11:50 PM

I remember Alistair at school although I am a couple of years his junior. Luckily I sailed through life at Caldicott without a care in the world - thank heavens I was rubbish at Rugby! When I left there were 15 prefects and the head boy was the 1st XV captain.
I saw plenty of behaviour at the school that only as an adult I realise was very suspect. The behaviour of two junior teachers was particularly dubious.
The film provoked so many very strong emotions: overwhelming admiration for Mark, Tom and Alistair; terrible sadness; dark rage and hatred for your abusers (unfortunately the latter is only simple for those of us who are not victims); and finally, elation that you have survived and have managed to create families of your own - that is an outstanding achievement.
Tom talked about the feeling of guilt for not speaking sooner. While this is perfectly understandable, please realise that this possibility was removed from you by the nature of your abuse. It was not a choice you could make.
Everything about you three fills me with admiration, love and respect. I hope that you continue to get stronger every day. Seeing the beautiful courageous men you have become and your wonderful families I am confident that this wish will come true.

Posted on 2011 02 28 at 08:44 PM

Very emotional documentary. So well put together. I needed to watch this to try and understand about how my brothers abuse as a child had affected him over the last 30 years. He watched this last year and thankfully found it onlline and asked if I wanted to watch it, he said your thoughts and emotions on the matter, illustrated how he felt inside...sometimes it’s difficult , as you told, to speak openly to those close to you.  I have cried, for you and now for the understanding of how my brother feels. He is now seeking help through councilling to try and come to terms with what happened to him.  I am just sorry that these demons were not brought properly to justice.
Thankyou so much for telling your story.

Posted on 2011 02 11 at 11:02 PM

Uggh, what a bunch of sickos. I went to Caldicott from 88-93 and remember Peter Wright - and a couple of others - watching the boys shower after games:
“You’ve got a bit of mud on your left buttock...”

Yes, he did love his Rugby team and prefects. And he had a horrible laugh - he’d stick out his tongue and hiss as he’d squeeze their legs under the dining table.

I’m very grateful that these brave men came forward, I only wish our society was supportive enough that they would have felt comfortable doing so earlier.

Posted on 2010 10 06 at 02:01 AM

John
Yes i do remember you more than your brother and i recognise your photo in the film--mine is there also--the more i think about the situation there, the more it disgusts me and i could name now (but obviously i wont) many more chosen ones as i am sure you can also----more need to come forward please !
Stephen

Posted on 2010 09 23 at 09:57 AM

Stephen

Your name is familiar and as you recall RPW moving into his house (’Cottage’) I guess you were a contemporary of me, Alastair’s elder brother, rather than Alastair (who was 69-74). You are correct in your view of what went on at the Cottage. No matter. My point is that you and everyone who was on the receiving end of his wandering hand, was abused, even if it was so brief you feel it did not affect you, It does not have to be repeated or extreme, or span a long time. The police might still want to know.  Yours, John

Posted on 2010 09 10 at 08:20 PM